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Why does Mom refuse her medication? Why won’t Dad eat or even get dressed today? These are questions countless caregivers face, often leaving them uncertain and defeated. I’m Kate Race, and I welcome you to Assisting Hands Home Care’ Real Talk series. Whether you’re a seasoned caregiver or new to this challenging journey, I’m grateful you’re here.
Today, we’re talking about one of the most difficult aspects of dementia care: resistance. These moments can be heartbreaking when your efforts seem to fall flat despite your best intentions. After over 20 years of walking alongside families, I’ve learned that navigating resistance isn’t about control or logic. Instead, it’s about compassion, patience, connection, and sometimes knowing when to pause and take a breath.
Understanding Resistance as Communication
Resistance in dementia care is rarely just stubbornness. It’s often an expression of something deeper. Refusals may stem from feelings of embarrassment, fear, or confusion. Imagine suddenly needing help with tasks you’ve managed on your own for 70 years. Or not recognizing the person helping you or the task being asked of you. Neurological changes caused by dementia can create misinterpreted realities, sensory overload, or even paranoia. Feelings of urgency and frustration from a caregiver can amplify this resistance, making the situation even harder. That’s why I always emphasize one golden rule to caregivers: compassion leads to cooperation. And when your patience wears thin (as it does for all of us), that’s the moment to take a step back and reset.
The Importance of Meeting Seniors with Dementia Where They Are
The key to navigating dementia care lies in meeting seniors where they are, rather than dragging them into your reality. Don’t argue or confront your loved one. Instead, validate his or her perspective. Take things slow. Break tasks into small, manageable steps. Pause to observe your loved one’s body language, and focus on making him or her feel emotionally safe.
Ultimately, it’s not just about checking off tasks on a list. It’s about building trust and prioritizing relationships. When trust is established, everything else becomes easier. Kindness, flexibility, and consistency go a long way toward building the dignity your loved one deserves.
Practical Strategies that Make a Difference
Approaching a person with dementia thoughtfully can make all the difference. Always approach from the front, use your loved one’s name, and offer a warm smile. Speak gently and keep your phrases short and reassuring. For example:
- Replace “It’s time to get dressed” with “How about we put on something comfy?”
- Swap “You need to eat” for “Want to try a bite with me?”
Offering simple choices, such as “Would you like tea or juice?” gives your loved one a sense of control. And inviting your loved one to help with small tasks like folding towels can boost his or her confidence and make him or her feel useful.
If your loved one fixates on something from the past, such as a job or a missing child, don’t argue or correct him or her. Step into your loved one’s world and respond with understanding. You can also redirect your loved one’s focus with tools like soothing music, a beloved pet, or even a comforting object.
The timing of care matters as well. Observe when your loved one is at his or her calmest and use that window to tackle care tasks. For example, mornings may be ideal for certain activities, while agitated afternoons might be better suited to calming routines.
Addressing Resistance to Common Care Tasks
Resistance is particularly common during tasks like bathing, eating, and taking medications. For bathing, environmental factors such as bright lights, loud water, or a chilly room can feel overwhelming. Consider alternatives like warm sponge baths or towel bathing. Frame the task as an act of comfort, saying, “How about we help you feel refreshed?” rather than focusing on hygiene.
For meals, pay attention to the look, smell, and texture of the food you offer. Smaller, colorful portions served without pressure often work better than large, unappealing plates with stern reminders. Likewise, when it comes to medications, try incorporating them into familiar routines or pairing them with a favorite snack to make the process feel seamless.
The Caregiver’s Emotional Wellbeing
Caring for someone with dementia is profoundly emotional and, at times, exhausting. It’s okay to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or drained. These moments don’t make you a bad caregiver. They make you human. When these emotions arise, step away, take a breather, and seek support when you need it.
Remember to find moments to laugh, allow yourself to cry, and forgive yourself when things get messy. Caregiving isn’t about perfection but about presence, effort, and resilience.
Knowing When to Say “Not Now”
There will be times when no strategy works and every attempt ends in resistance. When this happens, the most loving thing you can do is step back and say, “Not now.” Tasks can wait, but the trust and relationship you’ve built with your loved one are far more fragile and valuable. Sometimes, waiting and trying again later is the best choice you can make.
A Final Reflection
Every small act of care—from a smile to extraordinary patience—is a step toward preserving someone’s dignity. There’s no perfect method or universal guide to dementia care. It all comes down to love, adaptability, and a willingness to try again.
To all caregivers reading this, please know you’re part of a compassionate and resilient community. The work you do is sacred, and I’m honored to be alongside you on this extraordinary path.
